[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
The best plant holders?
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?