@thegreatnanak: Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead? Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@delusionaliam: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!

@OVO_Ty15: Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how'd he ever survive.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.

@Reverend_Scott: If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.