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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Admin smashed it 😂
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
what’s more important?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.