independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.