[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
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I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Noted.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”