Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.