India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
as is their right
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Blew my mind.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.