India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
You Might Also Like
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
no regrets
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Just a reminder, folks:
No regrets in 2018
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.