Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
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Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Life cycle of cat
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item