Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
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Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*skinny dips into black hole
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
as is their right
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry