Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards