Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.