Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”