@SadieSkyNinja: Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
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@MurphyMcLachlan: Doc I keep throwing up Did u eat anything odd lately No What about that bottle youre holding labelled "lizard juice" You said eat, idiot
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@truegritrumble: I've been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
@TheQuietPsycho: CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it's the spirit of a loved one. I think that's my mom Me: that's nice. Your mom just shit on that guy