Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
If a snake ate a cake
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.