@aka_fatman: Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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@envydatropic: It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast
@TheAlexNevil: Be a good dad When your son wants to play catch, do it When he needs a hug, give one When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
@Mom_Overboard: Cop: You there! Hands over your head! Me: *raises hands* *30 avocados fall out of shirt* Cop: Holy guacamole!