@aka_fatman: Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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@kelly_eberle: I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I'm embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
@ArfMeasures: [Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
@12spoopy11u: Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.