Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Somebody’s lying.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch