INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.