Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.