Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.