@Extranaut: Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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@Loli_Sug: Me: k well my phones gonna die so I'll ttyl Mom: But ur office is a landline? Me: oh...so it is....K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
@BoogTweets: Me: Take this My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED? Me: You tell me "Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon"
@Lord_Voldemort7: Who names hurricanes? Are people actually supposed to be intimidated by something named Sandy?
@Reverend_Scott: [first date] "So, I heard you work at the circus." [shallows bread stick whole] Nope. "You sure about that?" [chewing on glass] Yup