Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
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I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”