How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
let’s discuss
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right