@80want: inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes
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@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
@BruceForce: Trying to convince my wife that the white powder on my nose is cocaine to hide the fact I've eaten a large sugary donut
@daemonic3: I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no "super" men for instance - Martin Lex Luthor King
@ManJuggs: The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.