Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.