My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
how to exercise your calf muscles
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit