[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month