[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Extremely relatable.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.