INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
no their not
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me too door. Me too.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour