Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
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Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare