Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Yes my dude
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.