INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes