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@SamGrittner: INMATE: "What are you in for?"
ME: "A real treat, I hope."
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@SortaBad: Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
@juneohara65: Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
@TheTweetOfGod: When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they've been lying.
@DontDraketheIce: Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder