INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
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me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Truth
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?