Yup.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…