[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!