My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I am patiently waiting for your email
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Every damn time
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?