FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
How is it still this week?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.