Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
You Might Also Like
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Somebody call the cops.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
A gym so fancy they call it a James.