Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Twitter remains undefeated
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”