“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.