It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!