[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
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Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past