[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.