#inspiration #foodforthought
You Might Also Like
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I am all good here, 😂😉
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*