wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity