[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
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FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
no one likes gloating
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.