After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
You Might Also Like
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
*me flirting
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
thank god the sign was there
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee