Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.