Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
mom had nothing to worry about
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
estão todos miauvindo?
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.