Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math