Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?