Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
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I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
barbara was highly relatable
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?