Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
can’t believe I got front row seats
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.