Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Happy Febuary everyone!
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total