@TheTweetOfGod: Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
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@Home_Halfway: Dad: Tall latte Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name? Dad: What your parents didn't give you one? *all the other dad's give him high fives*
@DaveWeasel: If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem.
@TedOfficialPage: If Mitt Romney was president, we'd blame everything on him. "Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn't this cold when Obama was president."
@aspiringtoucan: ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office BOSS: no dogs ME: [about to hand over my dog's resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh