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I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.