I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
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When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
SCARY COSTUME
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas